you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
