dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
