Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
smell my finger.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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