dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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