if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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