perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
