So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
