It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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