went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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