I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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