How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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