Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
