i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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