Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
