tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
