Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.