Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.