I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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