in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
