I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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