i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
