I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
