so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
