just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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