fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
