why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm both gender and math confused
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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