hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
My liver just broke up with me...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
