Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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