I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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