Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
