I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
