I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
