i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
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I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
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I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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