Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He shit in the fireplace
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
