Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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