I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
how does that bad decision feel?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
