Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
