You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
