My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
