I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
