I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
