omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
