But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
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Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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