May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Houston, we have a blender
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
