I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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