I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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