i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
