The maid of honor just puked.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
