The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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