if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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