I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
