my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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