just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
