Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
