You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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