Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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