Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Randomize
