If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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