I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
that is very illegal...i love you.
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