They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
