in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
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Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
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I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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