but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Someone shattered a urinal.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
